Vertigo

I don't have good balance. I can fall up the stairs. I can trip on air. I do not climb out of a holler very well. You know what a holler is? For those of you who don't speak southern, it's a valley. Like between mountains or big hills. In my experience, a holler is a bit steep. My lack of balance keeps my ability to walk quietly non existent. And since I walk too loud, I don't get invited hunting very often. I have no idea how The Milkman is able to traverse a mountainside covered in crunchy leaves and crispy sticks and not make a sound. He's like a vampire. It's not normal. Anyway, because of my lack of balance, I sway around and snap crispy sticks and crunch fallen leaves, all of this while sober. Sometimes I slip on the leaves. It's really a talent just to stay upright sometimes.

Christmas makes me feel a little bit like that. It's all good in theory. October rolls around and the music starts jingling, the air gets crisp (OK, so that comes about December 5 down south), Hobby Lobby starts setting up their Christmas trees, and it hits me...I haven't purchased a single gift. I need to brave the attic for the tree and decor. I am reminded that I'm a pack rat and I should really get rid of some of this junk. And then, like stepping on a rake, it hits me square in the face, that I am not ready for end of year tax time. It's in those moments that the world spins and I'm flat on my back wishing for some of that balance that I so lack.

I had the great pleasure of attending this years AgChat conference. Wow. Just being in a room with that many people who share my passion was pretty inspiring. I looked around to see faces that I knew. Many of them I knew lots of details about, but had never met them. Thanks internet...for making people look like a bunch of creepy stalkers. Its awkward to say, "Hi, (insert name). I love reading about your farm and family. How are (insert kids/husbands/pets name)? Then it dawns on you that this person might be a little creeped out that you know all about their life, bring it to their attention, and they've never met you. Oh well, its the world we live in. When I found a person that I was familiar with, I asked them generally the same question. It was "how do you find the balance?"

I just can't figure it out. I don't have a groove. I am not Stella. These folks have jobs, or they work on their farm, they have kids, church, volunteer. They have things just like I do but they still manage to agvocate, write, interview people, have amazing podcasts. I envy that and I am on a mission to find that balance.

I've struggled since I started this blog to find the time, the subjects, the words. Lord help, so many words. I would make it a New Year's resolution, but then I would be walking straight into failure. There are a long list of things I want to do, that I want to improve. I suppose I'll have to prioritize. I need to set boundaries. I need to make a list of ways to deal with my lists of to-dos. Does anyone relate to having lists of lists of lists?

Well I'm a hot mess. I'm going to say it's part of my charm. That's a thing, right? Charm?

At this conference, I found encouragement. The information given was useful. The speakers were fantastic. Most of all, I rediscovered my passion for writing and telling my story. I need to expand my tribe without falling into hostile territory. Balance is not my strong point, but I want to work at it. I want to rekindle my delight in writing and hopefully entertain one or two of you. But first....Christmas.

Guess what, October has passed and I am so over Christmas. I am trying really hard to contain my inner Scrooge and be jolly. It is hard to be jolly when you feel off balance. I think I'll start referring this to Christmas Vertigo.

Christmas Vertigo: The time in which preparing for Christmas makes you feel dizzy, off balance, and slightly cranky.

I think it'll catch on.

I am plotting ways to make next year less vertigo-ish and more jolly. I am trying to find the boundaries that help me balance. I need to walk softly and avoid the crunchy leaves and the snappy sticks. I've been in a holler lately, but I'm on my way out. Less sure footed than I'd like to be, but still trudging in the right direction. Even if I find life balance, I probably won't get invited hunting. It's all fun and games till someone breaks their neck. And that someone is bound to be me.