It's coming up on the new year and you know what that means. New Year, new everyone. We all gonna be new. Except that we aren't. Good intentions and all that. I do try to make a commitment to God in a new way every year. To commit to pray for someone or something every day or to read a new devotional or part of the Bible. I usually let God show me what that commitment should be. I hadn't figured out exactly where that will be. Today helped me with some clarity though.
Today has been a journey for me. Not a long one since I didn't go so far as to put on pants other than pajama ones or leave the house at all, but a journey nonetheless.
I cleaned out my closet and dresser. Heaven help, but I have a problem. I just don't like to let things go. Especially T-shirts. Keep ALL THE TEES. Don't fit? Doesn't matter. Holes? Character. Stains? Yeah, I'll work in that one. I'm not so much a collector as I am just a keeper. I have told you that I'm a control freak, but that tendency leads to not being able to let things go sometimes. I don't like to feel like I need something I just gave away. I don't hoard so much as I have controlled chaos.
I managed to get rid of a box of stuff and tidy up the things I kept. It's a good feeling. Now if I can just channel that energy on getting my accounting in order. Lord, but I hate this time of year for that. Anyhow, I just took the chaos that I had and made it look a little more controlled. Folded and stacked. Hid and tucked. Like when I put my pants on the day after Christmas. "Yeah, they fit...I got them zipped." she said while holding her breath.
I sat down tonight to do my devotional and found my heart so heavy, as it has been for a while. There aren't any particular reasons that I could articulate, it is just heavy. My mind swirls and blurs with stresses and worries that would be better given to God. The problem is that I can't calm the turbulence in my mind enough to make coherent thoughts. I can't bring them to my Savior because I can't put my finger on the exact problem. I can sort of establish the themes of my uncertainties, but I can't name them.
So I ready my devotional. And I read my Bible. And I prayed over them. And they, of course, spoke to me, but not in a way that calmed my anxieties.
As I began to talk with God about how I'm feeling He made something very clear to me. The problem isn't the swirling thoughts, it's not my inability to focus or form coherent thought, the problem is me. The problem is that I'm trying to "parent" God.
Let me elaborate. When you are a parent you desire the best for your little people. You want to teach them things and watch them learn and grow. You want to let them try, fail, and then succeed. But mostly you wanting to micromanage them. Because it's easier and it saves your sanity. You say, "Ok. This is what I want you to do, now try it." Then you watch as they totally put the sheet on upside down or throw spaghetti sauce across the stove and you lose your mind so you say, "No! Not like that. Here let me do it."
Seriously, I can't have my little people in the kitchen. I can't. I need to breathe in a paper bag when I'm watching them stir something or run the glue gun or make a bed. It is something that apparently disappears when you become a grandparent, but it works overtime when you're the mom. It is like listening to your first grader read...and they sound out the same word for 25 minutes and you're like "Spot. The world is spot! [deep sigh of relief]"
Please tell me you know what I'm talking about. I cannot be alone in this.
Anyhow...back to me being the problem. I'm doing this to God. I pray for something or someone or myself. I give it to God and He starts working on it. Then I see that it isn't going the way I think it should and I'm freaking out, "Wait, God...not like that...I can't do it, but this isn't how YOU should do it." and I didn't even realize that I was interfering.
That's usually how it is even though we don't comprehend we're doing it. Good intentions and all that.
While God is revealing my arrogance, I look at myself. I analyze my heart. It has cracks for people that are hurting. It has broken spots from times in my past. My heart has been stretched and pulled and expanded and deflated more times than I can count. My heart has a lot of hardening in places that should be soft. It's saggy in places that it shouldn't be. My heart is a lot like my December body. (Can I get an AMEN?!)
Our hearts will change with life. They will break, sometimes shatter. They will expand and fill and deflate with loss. Our hearts will harden at times, just so we can survive and soften at times when we allow someone to touch them. We have to guard our heart. In order to do that we have to trust God with it. We have to work at keeping it healthy. We can't let the world change what we've given to God and that is hard.
My new resolve is, if I plan to get back on the healthy train for New Year's, and if I'm gonna commit myself to God in a new way and work on a new aspect of my faith, I have to work on getting my heart back in shape too. I need to hand it over to God, right along with all of my prayers. I have to stop telling God how things should be done because while I may know what is best for my little people, I am God's little people. And I have no business telling Him how to run His business.
My heart is heavy because it's out of shape. It needs a tune up, about like my winter attitude (I hate cold.). And the only attitude adjustment I know will change me comes from God. His ways are higher than my ways, and much more effective. I doubt this will change my ability to let the girls cook supper or make the bed, but who knows, God works miracles, raised people from the dead, cured blindness and disease. There could still be hope for me. But only if I quit trying to micromanage Him.
This New Year take a look at your heart, an even closer one than you'll take at your body. Make an honest evaluation. What does your heart look like? What does your faith look like? You might find commitment to those things more rewarding than losing a few inches. We all have good intentions, but it's the follow through that counts.
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