Broken filters and freebies

God doesn't make mistakes. That's a fact in my book. He does, however, have a sense of humor. Take me for example, I was born with a broken filter. It doesn't work right or maybe it just doesn't work consistantly. I don't try to upset people. I don't usually think of things to say that catch people off guard. It's just that when my brain thinks something it has a tendency to projectile vomit that thought through my mouth, usually louder than I intend. 

My face turns red on its own accord. It isn't an indication of embarrassment. Or maybe it should be and my embarrass-o-meter doesn't work properly either. I rarely feel embarrassment. 

I have been hypnotized twice now. Thanks to Harry. He gets wild entertainment for some of the conferences I attend and uses trickery and guilt to convince poor souls like myself to get on a stage and act like there's no audience. Anyhow, the first time I didn't think I could be hypnotized. I'm stubborn and strong willed. Apparently those qualities don't make you immune to hypnosis. I went under and proceeded to spend several minutes introducing the audience to my new friend, Brad Paisley. This version of Brad did not pick and grin like the beloved man on the radio. That is because he was a balloon man. Not a balloon animal, but a man...expertly crafted from balloons. I went into the audience and picked people out an introduced them to my friend Brad. This should have been embarrassing and, in all reality, should embarrass me to tell people about. It doesn't. 

If you have been hypnotized you know the feeling. The one where you are fully aware of your surroundings. You don't feel forced to do anything. Just compelled to do what you are told without feeling nervous or self-conscious or embarrassed. It only matters that you do what you are told to do. 

The second time I didn't want to go on stage and do something stupid and give everyone another story on me. Lord knows I have provided enough stories for a good book. Once again, Harry refreshed our hypnotist's memory of my balloon friend and they conspired for my return to hypnosis. I was hesitant but couldn't say no after being called out in front of everyone. So I found my place in the chair. Front and center. When the hypnotist asked me what in my life I would like to improve or work on my thoughts went to several different things, none of which I wanted to share with a huge room of people I barely knew. What was my response, you ask? I said, "Nothing. Everything is pretty much perfect." I was not hypnotized yet. That was all me. Now, do I think I am or that my life is perfect? Not even close. But my filter semi worked. Because what I was thinking is "none yo business. I didn't ask to come up here." But my semi-filter translated and vomited how perfect I am. It got a few laughs and the hypnotist didn't know exactly what to say for a second. Then he hypnotized me. 

I could have resisted, but what fun would that be? I was already in a chair on stage. When willing, I am easily put under. He wouldn't let me say my name. He told me I forgot it so I did. It is surreal but I see how it could be effective. It seemed to fix my filter, or it broke my brain. Either way. Something smart didn't shoot from my lips. When he said, "what is your name?" I looked up at him with a stupid grin and blank stare and said nothing. Nothing was in my brain. Nothing coming from my mouth. This might be the Milkman's dream version of me, but it didn't stick. He told me seconds later that I did, in fact, know my name and so I did. When I was done I knew the story and how I felt but my filter hasn't been fixed. I still allow inappropriate thoughts to spew from my mouth.

We were in Kansas City at a DFA (Dairy Farmers of America) conference. Yes. Dairy farmers, lots of them, attend conferences like civilized business people. There is always a big expo/trade show. I love these! They have equipment and booths and freebies! I love freebies!! I get a bag and go to the booths and get whatever they have for promotional items. Tire pressure gague? Sure! Coozies? Nevermind I have 10 zillion at home, these are free! Chapstick? Pens? Stress ball? Stuffed animals? Yes! Yes! Yes! Give me at least one of each! If you bring your cute kids the booth people love giving them free stuff! 

The Milkman is NOT the person to bring to these things. He does not like hunting and gathering the free items. He isn't above it, but it is somewhat embarrassing to him. He will peruse and ponder the Polaris, the CAT loader, the gloves and milkers, but take the free Chapstick? No way! He says, "Hey babe...get a few of those chapsticks." And I do. Because I love freebies!!!! And I am not above making useless conversation with the metal building guy out of New York to get the free pen. I will briefly consider a metal building of it gets me a free pen and notepad! Throw in an extra one and I'll take your card too. 

I do not get embarrassed. I almost fell down a flight of stairs at a conference in Nashville. No problem. I didn't hide. I made fun of myself. Gathering free stuffs? Absolutely. Not worried about it. Hypnosis? Doesn't scare me! Saying what's on my mind, unedited and unfiltered? Yep. Almost every time. You can count on me. 

It is more of a surprise when I manage to keep that thought in my brain. This is why I don't really do public speaking or talk on behalf of farmers. I testified in front of a house ag committee once. I don't know if I got anything coherent out because I was focused on not saying what I really thought. That's why this blog is good for me. I can edit. Sometimes some unedited, unfiltered stuff will slip in, and hopefully serve as entertainment for you. I really hope this little flaw I have is one of God's perfect examples of humor. Because if it isn't, I can add my broken filter to a long list of imperfections that my human nature has caused. I'd much rather laugh at it.