Finding My Identity In A Dry Desert

Change.


Let’s talk about it. I didn’t want to at first. I am getting old and set in my ways, but I realize that the only thing that stays the same is that everything changes. Well mostly everything.


I’ve changed. I started Diary of a Dairy wife in March of 2014. This was my first post, "In the Beginning..." and I kind of laid out my insecurity and lack of direction. The truth is, I felt God telling me to write. He was telling me to just put my toes in the water and He would be right there with me. At the time I was chin deep in agvocating. I was trying to be a good farmer’s wife, a good mom, a good Christian, and an excellent advocate for agriculture. I was taking opportunities to grow my communication skills and learning more about agriculture everyday, beyond being immersed in the dairy at home. I felt God telling me to write for other people. After years of insecurities and telling God that I wasn’t cut out for public writing, I gave in and started.


At the time I had a hard time identifying myself. My identity was totally tied up in who I was to everyone around me. Don’t get me wrong, it still is, so is yours and everyone else’s. The problem was that I was “just” a farmer’s wife, “just” a mom, “just” trying to be a blogger, and out of that, Diary of a Dairy Wife was born.

The mistake I made wasn’t in my “justs” it was in what God was calling me to do. He was telling me that beyond all of those lowly titles, I was His. He wanted me to write for more than agriculture. My mistake was in the negotiation of who I was and where I was going.

I’ve never been a consistent writer. Try as I may, I haven’t found the balance. A few weeks ago I found myself in a place where I was sad, angry, broken, scared, defeated, discouraged, and I had totally lost who I was supposed to be. You see, I’ve spent the last couple of years seeking God more. In His word, in words He’s given others, and just in my heart, I’ve searched. When I found myself in this desert, I knew that God hadn’t brought me there, I had stumbled there on my own. When God asked me to start writing and stick my toes in the water, I did, but I did it my way. I did what I wanted and over the next almost 4 years the water that I had stuck my toes in, was slowly drying up to become dehydrated. It was my desert.

As I trod through my self-made sand dunes I could hear Him calling. It was like walking into a dark, uninhabited house, feeling my way through the total absence of light, chasing a voice coming from a closet in a back room. As I got closer I could see a sliver of light, also known as hope, a drop of water on a parched tongue, coming from under a closed door. I knew what I was headed for, but I didn’t know how to get there or what would be waiting for me. I heard the call and felt desperate to find the source. I prayed and pleaded for some sort of revelation. That revelation came the day I talked about earlier. It came through all of those negative emotions and touched my heart and at the same moment, I reached the light.

God asked me to write for Him, not for myself, not my way or the highway and that selfishness took me straight down the path of dryness. I finally got so dehydrated and desperate that I, somewhat angrily, asked Him, “What do you want from me?!” And He said, “To do what I asked you to do in the beginning. To write for Me. To be who you are for my glory.” And so here I am.

That’s not to say that I won’t continue to write about agriculture or my family or my farm. I will, but I will do it His way. I understand that some of my readers are here because I’m a “farm” blogger, and I still am a dairy farmer and a dairy farmer’s wife, this just isn’t that girl’s diary anymore. I hope y'all don’t tuck tail and head for the hills, but I’ll understand if this isn’t your journey.

It’ll take me some time to develop. I’m winging it. I'm Googling and YouTubing how to do all this in my free time...whenever that is.

I’ve been trying to figure out exactly how to do this. What to name this. How to tell y'all. It’s been brain numbing in a way. I think I know, then I second guess myself. Then I pray. I got some motivation today, though.

This morning I was reading in Galatians. Paul wrote that book. Do you just love him? I do. He is a favorite. Paul was Saul and he was a terror. He thought he was doing right, but he was doing it all wrong. God came to him in a literal vision of blindness, and straightened Saul right out, and becoming a new man in Christ, Saul became Paul. He was a sinner saved by great grace, just like me. Saul walked through the dark house and found the light. He was a hot mess that God turned into a hot mess with a bad history and a bright future. Paul, in his brokenness from his past, became a great leader that God used to influence the masses. I can’t get enough Paul, y'all.

Anyhow, in Galatians 1:10-13 Paul says, “For do I now persuade men, or God? Or do I seek to please men? For if I still pleased men, I would not be a bondservant of Christ. But I make known to you, brethren, that the gospel which was preached by me is not according to man. For I neither received it from man, nor was I taught it, but it came through the revelation of Jesus Christ.”

I am no longer "just" the dairy wife. I have grown my identity and I will will do my best to be a diary wife that is a bondservant of Christ. I will write with the words given to me. I won’t seek to please men or myself, but I will seek to please God.

I want to add something to my already lengthy post. I am not scholarly, nor am I theological. I’ve never formally studied religion and I don’t read every commentary that anyone has ever written. I read God’s word and God speaks to me through his words. When I desire better understanding, I will research what a verse means. I will read commentary. But guys, God reveals to me what I need to know. He shows me how His words apply to my life. And anytime I write, I ask Him to guide me, to lead me, and to speak through me. I want to be a tool for Him. Not my will, not my way, not my words, but His.

I’m going to fail. I’ve already failed at this. I’m not perfect. I’m not the “go to” expert on anything Jesus. I’m just a sinner saved by God’s grace. I’m just a person trying to let God pour into me so much that He overflows into the words that I write.

I’m probably doing this “rebranding” thing all wrong, all out of order, but like in life, I’m just winging it. You’ll see my name change (hopefully) in a short time.  I don’t know what will show up in your news feed after facebook changes algorithms, but if you want to keep up with me you can click to follow my page as well as “like” it. Until the change is approved, on facebook I will be “Diary of a Dairy Wife.” If all goes as planned, you’ll get a handy notification that says, “A page you follow has changed its name.”

****UPDATE: Facebook would not allow my name change as it might "mislead current followers who have liked your page." While I have no intention of misleading anyone, I will just continue to use Diary of a Dairy Wife page name and this blog address until I make further decisions about how to move forward. I'm just gonna continue to do what I do on here. I apologize for putting the cart before the horse. I just got a little too excited. ****


I hope you’ll travel this journey with me and take the fork in my blogger road that I should have walked four years ago. I don’t know how much it’ll change, but I wanted to lay it out for those of you who take the time to read. I’m prayerful that your life and spirit are touched even though I’m stumbling around like a lost toddler. Change is hard, but this is one I look forward to.

Bless y'all for putting up with me!